Colorado Springs

This bus ride has been very long. I slept for about half of it which was nice but still...it was long. We watched a few movies, stopped a few times, played some games, laughed, I read, and I slept. Typical bus time adventures. We are finally almost to our destination in Colorado Springs. I have kind of a complicated history with this town so it is a little strange to be going back. A lot of my worst memories take place in this city.

As a child growing up, things were a little rough. I never really knew how rough I had it until I realized that other children didn't grow up the same way that I did. My mother joined the military when she was 18, married my father, and had my brother, Wayne. All of that was normal and when she talks about that period of her life she makes it seem like she was pretty happy. She says that my dad was a social drug user but it was the 70's so I suppose that isn't very weird. The happiness ended due to my father's increased drug use, alcoholism, and abusive behavior. My mother divorced him. She never really gets into depth about how I came about but it is very clear that I was a complete accident. After my mom had my brother she was told to not have more children. But nine years later, I showed up. She never seems clear on whether she was happy to have me or not either. Don't get me wrong, I don't think she regrets having me, I just wonder if she was totally dreading her entire pregnancy. I think that my mother wanted my father around so that he could help take care of my brother and I. So he ended up moving back in with us and sleeping on the couch. I was witness to a lot of awful things that children should never see. My dad would come back drunk or high and he would pick a fight with my mom or my brother. I was the "lucky" one. He never laid a hand on me. So I just got to see and hear what it was like to be abused by an alcoholic, drug addict. My memories of my youth are very vivid. I wish they weren't. There are just some things that I wish I could forget. I suppose everyone has those things that they want to forget. For me, it is everything age 4-8. My brother, not having a positive male influence, started getting into trouble of his own. He babysat me a lot and I would go with him to his friends' house where he would drink and smoke and swear. He'd pretty much do everything that my mother would never allow starting at age 15. I had my first cigarette when I was 6 years old. I don't even think my mom knows that. Wayne got involved with a lot of things he shouldn't. Gangs and drugs were kind of inevitable for him on the path he was going down. He could have had so much more. My mom says he was a spectacular athlete and smart. He can't have been too smart because he didn't see trouble and walk away. He ended up getting stabbed to death when he was 16 years old. Any resemblance of a family that I had completely dissolved after that. My mother was strong through everything. As strong as you can be when you've lost your only son. She packed me up and we moved back to her home state. That's how at age 7, I found myself in South Dakota. I thrown into counseling that I didn't understand and was asked a lot of questions that I didn't know the answers to. I quickly learned the answers that they were looking for. Once I learned them, I didn't have to go to counseling anymore. To say that I had accepted the absence of my older brother would be a complete lie. The few memories I have of having an older brother still make me sad. I miss him. I still miss him. Not nearly as much as my mother does. But it is still hard. Listening to other people talk about their siblings and their families makes me feel so robbed. I think that all of those experiences have contributed so much to the strength that I have now. But I'd trade that strength any day for my brother back. That's a lot of deep stuff. But that's why Colorado Springs is a hard place for me to be. Wayne's best friend and his family are planning to come to the concert tonight and I don't know if I'm ready to see them yet. It just brings up so many things that I've been trying to forget.

On a different, less depressing note, I think I'm going to have Sexy Saturday. On Saturdays I shall talk about who I think is sexy and why. Today we will talk about Channing Tatum. I can already hear the objections. He can be pretty hit or miss with the ladies. I like him because I think that he is incredibly sexy and because he can actually act. Being more than just a pretty face makes him even more sexy. Also...the way his delectable little rump looks in sweat pants makes my mouth water. He was recently in a movie called The Vow. It was your stereotypical chick flick. It was based on a true story which gave it more charm. In this movie, he was the boyfriend/husband that every girl wants. Not just pretty to look at. He was funny and charming and intelligent and talented. He did take his shirt off, but I was impressed that he spent the majority of the movie with his shirt on. He impressed me. I loved the way he played the character and he really made the movie for me. It made me put him at the top of my sexy list. It is an ever evolving list so I shouldn't run out of things to write on Saturdays.

We've just arrived at the church! Here we go! Day two of tour is on!!!