Colorado, Funeral and Illness

I've been away so soon after starting. Never fear! I've not given up! It has just been an extremely busy couple of weekends. Two weekends ago, Adrian and I went to Boulder to visit my friend Kenny. I had a great weekend of shopping, I got a tattoo and I played games in my very first arcade. It was a lot of fun. Towards the end of my trip my mother called to tell me that my grandfather had passed away. He had been on hospice for a little while so we weren't totally shocked but it still hurt a lot. My grandfather asked me to sing at his funeral before he died and so I would. I went back to school for a few days and even had a choir concert before heading back to Aberdeen for the funeral. It was such a strange thing. I hadn't seen most of my family for almost three years and there they all were. With the exception of two cousins, my mom's six brothers and sisters and all of their families showed up. My grandfather wanted me to sing two songs at his funeral. "One Day at a Time" and "The Lord's Prayer". It was very hard for me. I barely got through the whole thing without falling apart. After I finished singing I sat in my chair and sobbed for a very long time. It was extremely unlike me. I try to keep my emotions in check for the most part because I find that they mostly get in the way. But I just couldn't. Not this time. It hurt too much.

Now that I'm back at school and work, I feel a little numb. It doesn't really help that I have the worst cold. I can't breathe and I feel absolutely miserable. The worst part is that I can't sing or hear very well. I have so much music to learn and its so inconvenient. But that aside, I'm still reeling from my grandfather's funeral. It just hasn't totally hit me that I'm never going to see him again. Even at the funeral I kept expecting to see him at any moment. It makes me feel so awful that I had only seen him once in the last two years. I saw him in November over Veterans Day and that was it. It didn't even occur to me that it would be the last chance I had to talk to him. Had I known, I would have asked him so many questions.

Burying grandpa was the first time that I wished that I believed in God. Thinking about him just laying there forever makes me saddest of all. I know that its how it works and that he served his purpose in life but I wish for more for him. In the face of his passing, I really wish there were a heaven for him to go to. He wouldn't be in pain. He would be happy and with other relatives that we've had pass away. He would smile and laugh and complain about young people these days. Hopefully, I'm wrong and he can have these things. I've never wanted to be wrong so much.

I'm trying now just to get back to normal. I go back to work tomorrow and went to class today. I'm taking lots of medicine to try and kick this cold as soon as possible. If I can get back into singing, I really think it will help me deal with my feelings. I'm trying to stay motivated when all I want to do is lay on my couch and never leave my house. I'm fighting it. I've come so far on my path to finding peace and happiness that I don't want to take steps backward. So I'm going to try to stay positive and take things one day at a time. Its the last advice that I got from my grandpa. So I'm going to take it.