Better and Better

All I've been able to think about for the last year is that I need to make a change. Everything I've done in my life has been because that's what I was supposed to do. I've been on autopilot for so long that I've forgotten what it's like to experience legitimate joy every day. This depressing fact is maximized by the additional information that I'm only 23 years old. So I've decided that in this new year, I'm going to get back to basics. I'm going to go back to doing all of the things that make me happy. I started my personality make-over about a week ago and my happiness has already swung in the right direction. I've started reading more, I'm listening to music and dancing around my house, I'm taking time to just be by myself, and I'm singing for fun again.

This last thing is by far the most important. Studying music seemed like the answer to everything. Once I decided to study it, I never questioned that it was the right thing for me to do. I even transferred after 3 years so that I could get more performance experience. It has been the most joyful and the most heartbreaking experience. Things that you're passionate about have this way of rewarding you and then kicking you when you're down. You don't get into music thinking that it will reward you all the time. That would be insane. The world of music is a big rejection door just waiting to slam itself in your face. No matter how hard you work and how much you want it, the answer is often no. If you can get through all of that rejection and still want it, and still be happy it might possibly reward you. And that's what artists wait for. We wait for the rejection to clear so that we can have the reward. So that we might be able to glimpse a future where we can support ourselves off of our passion. Don't get me wrong, hard work and nurtured talent can get you successes along the way. But the ultimate goal always seems like its in the distance. Like running towards something for years just to realize you've been running on a treadmill and haven't gotten any closer. But still we do it. Most times, we love it. You wouldn't be able to do it if you didn't love it.

All that being said, I need to take a step back. It isn't that I don't love it anymore. It isn't that I don't want it anymore. The problem is that I can't see the goal anymore. I'm not running towards anything. I have a general idea. I know that I want to sing for a living. I've been studying classical music but I also have experience in musical theater and jazz. I've begun to feel boxed in by studying classical music and nothing else. I miss musical variety. I miss the freedom of musical theater and the abandon of jazz. I've been going through the motions. When I do wake up long enough to think about music, I mostly discourage myself. I can't do that anymore. I'm tired of feeling defeated all the time. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I finish my undergraduate degree in May and then I'm taking two years off. The first year, I'm going to move. I don't know where. I'm just going to uproot and go live independently somewhere. I have not ties or responsibilities that restrict me so I'm just going to go. When I get there, I'm going to find a voice teacher and keep taking lessons. My search for my identity doesn't need to ruin my training. Then I'm going to find a job or two. I'm going to work, take lessons, meet new people, and experience new things. In the second year, I'm going to audition. I'm going to apply to grad school and audition for opera choruses and summer programs and just prepare to throw myself back into things. I have no doubt that I'll be ready for whatever happens after that. I confidently believe that spending two years away from my friends and family and everything familiar will help me stand on my own two feet.

Once I decided that I was taking time off, my outlook brightened so much. I've just been happier. I don't stress out about everything anymore. I'm relaxed and ready to get started. I've been going out and redeveloping friendships and making new friends. And it's only been a week! I like how this is going already and I'm hoping that life will get better and better. That's all we can really hope for.